About 24hrs after 4WD; blanket cw for suicidal ideation
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supposedtochange
2020-03-24 12:19 pm (UTC)(link)
I crawl under the nearest piece of furniture, make myself disgusting and horrible to be around, eat a ton of chocolate and go on existing out of spite and hatred because the alternative sucks worse.
Does it work?
[She's...not sure a being of pure light can make themselves disgusting to be around.]
[A pause, and an addition:]
What is the alternative?
But that can't happen here. Right?
We're just...stuck.
[For a while, there's no response. Then she switches to voice:]
...Sorry - I'm sorry, I can't see the letters to type.
[Because she's crying too hard.]
Give me a moment? I'm sorry.
Well, this is a situation he's never been in. Normally people crying is cause for amusement or laughter from a safe place of being invisible. Or manipulation to get what he wants.
But Rosie is a friend and she doesn't have anything he wants. And she seems very upset.
He crosses his arms, trying to think of what to do here. Rosie crying is weirdly upsetting him. Is this what empathy feels like?]
Uh...
Yeah. Totally.
Hey Rosie, you know you can always, like. Summon me to hang out and shit. I mean, I'm sad pretty much all the time so I guess that makes me an expert.
Maybe we can be sad together?
[She laughs. It sounds...slightly unhinged.]
That seems like a really bad idea! Apparently, all I've ever done is make everything worse!
I spoke to some of the Gems I left behind.
[The rest is harder to get out.]
And...and my son.
No. It didn't.
I thought Peridot had been exaggerating, but...if anything, she didn't go far enough.
All I am to them now is the source of all the problems they've been fixing.
[His voice changes into something more...angry? Defensive?]
Rosie, don't let 'em get to you. They're breathers. The living always has a short-sighted view of things.
Holy crap. This is the first - maybe only - time you get to talk to these assholes and they sit around to play the blame game?
And they call you a problem? You're dead. You've got your own shit to worry about.
Sorry. Sorry.
I'm just.
Very angry right now.
It's not - they didn't call me a problem. Not exactly. But they all seem to agree I left behind a lot of things that needed fixing, and Pearl -
Pearl was the most important person in my life, she was the only one who was always there for just me, for thousands of years. I love her.
And she couldn't even say I'd be wanted back on Earth. And Steven - my son thinks I'm a coward and that all I ever did was make mistakes!
[She's...getting worked up.]
I didn't know what to say to them! I'm sorry I didn't do a perfect job of saving humanity? If I'd known all of this was going to happen, I'd have just stayed on Homeworld so half of them would never even have the chance to exist?
Sorry, Rosie. Humanity and me never really got along. You die and to them you stop being a person with, like. Feelings and personality. They put all this crap on your shoulders because you're not real to them anymore.
And then when you finally, finally, stop being an invisible fucking presence, you're ripped into because all their stupid living bullshit wants to have an outlet.
I say, fuck 'em. Wait until they die and some other breather puts the blame on them.
Fuck. Sorry, I just.
Fuck.
They shouldn't treat you like that.
[Rose exhales slowly.]
Steven's...done amazing things. Things I could never have dreamed of. And he's had it so hard. He sounds like a wonderful person.
But...you're right about the rest. I guess I didn't realise I was going to be remembered like...that.
[As the scapegoat.]
I understand that.
I just...
I don't know what to do. When I first found out I could go home and be with Steven, I - it was all I could have ever hoped for. But if they don't want me...
Oh-!
Yes, of course. Do I have to be outside my room, or...?
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