I spent-- a really long time thinking that Elijah didn't really care about me.
[Rhys confesses, after a moment.]
I knew he liked me, but I was-- stupid, knock out, crazy about him. And he just liked me. And it sucked. Trying to talk myself into being okay with being the one in a relationship who likes the other guy too much. Trying to get ready for the fact that he had plans for a future that I wasn't going to be in. Trying to keep my own plans straight.
Elijah wasn't your warden. You weren't a job to him.
[he stirs, rolling over to his side]
She just summons me out of the fucking blue to get drunk and tell me she's been here a whole year. Do you know how long I've been trapped in hell, or invisible? And she looks at me like it's my fault.
Holy shit, I'm sorry if the Big Guy upstairs isn't pairing her with the right kinda inmate she can love and snuggle with and doesn't get skeezed out about holding. I'm trying to get out of here too. Maybe her plan is to make me so fucking miserable I'll graduate just to get away from her.
Oh, I think she likes me. Most people think I'm funny, and that gets them to like me.
I think I'm also an idiot to think she could ever love me.
Jesus, Stringbean. She...
[he sighs, trying to come up with the words]
She knows about me, about how that word affects me. She knows how much I love her, how I'd do anything for her. We weren't even talking about anything serious and then everything fell apart.
Guess I wasn't expecting it to hurt that much, is the thing.
Saw the message she left, apologizing not for wrecking my heart but for some weird shit her face-twin got up to. Then wants to party. I'm still reeling from helping to save Rosie and Jasper telling me she hates me and you and your Stringbean adorableness getting through our first fight and she just wants to summon me like nothing's wrong.
[Rhys doesn't interrupt him. Doesn't stop him or try to correct him, then finally:]
She doesn't just like you because you're funny.
[Said softly, but it's firm. No arguments on this one.]
Betelgeuse-- I'm saying this as a guy who adores you: You get mad at people for breaking rules that they don't know about, and that they don't control. She doesn't get to choose whether or not she loves you, all she can choose is how much she does for you, which is everything she can, same as you would for her. That's why you love her so much, right?
[He gives the other man's arm a squeeze.]
And I know it hurts, because you really need to know you matter to people. But she can't control how you feel any more than she can force herself to love you.
You and Hange aren't Rose and Ford. It's never going to be exactly the same, but that doesn't mean it's shit.
[Rhys says, softly.]
The thing with Elijah-- I brought it up because I think they might be kinda similar. Him and Hange. You're like-- okay, imagine that you're a record player, and your max volume is ten, and when you're turned up to ten, it's so loud that the windows are shaking. Well, maybe with Hange, when she's turned up to ten, okay, she's loud, but the windows aren't shaking, so you're wondering why she can't turn it up as high as you, or wondering if there's something that you've done wrong, or thinking that she must want somebody else better, when really--
It's not something wrong with you either. You're just at two ends of a spectrum on how high those highs go.
[He tugs the demon back in close.]
Maybe you should write some of this down? I think she'd get it-- if you could explain how it feels like you did to me. But if you say it out loud to her and you're still feeling raw about it, it'll probably be harder not to get mad again.
[Rhys props himself up on his elbows, looking at Betelgeuse seriously.]
If all she cared about was keeping you happy so she could get her deal, why wouldn't she have lied to you?
[He holds out a hand, trying to coax Betelgeuse back into his arms.]
Because she needs her friendship with you to be real. Not-- a story she's telling you to make you behave yourself. She's probably just as sad as you are that it isn't enough.
[he shakes his head, holding Rhys' hand but not letting himself be pulled back into the hug]
That might be, but she's not sad. She's fucking irritated because I'm making a thing about this and throwing a tantrum.
And why the fuck shouldn't I? I have been on my best behavior, relatively speaking, since I got here. I wanna graduate just as bad. I love my warden. She doesn't love me. Probably never will, no matter what I do or how hard I try.
Just - Fuck - can I just be sad about this? Mourn the loss of something I wanted and can't ever get? I get it, I adored her, I was an idiot, and it blinded me to her real feelings, ah-gain.
Like I just wanted the story to end differently, for once.
You definitely get to be sad, babe. You get to throw a tantrum, and feel sorry for yourself, and eat ice cream, and have all your friends coddle you and tell you how great you are and how much we love you.
[Rhys pulls Betelgeuse's hand forward then, if he can't get the rest of him. He brings the other man's knuckles to his lips.]
But you don't get to burn the relationship that you have with her because it isn't the one you want it to be.
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I don't wanna talk about Hange. She sucks.
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[his voice is soft, comforting.]
I'm sorry. You know-- her feeling like that, not feeling like that, it's not because there's anything wrong with you, right?
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Sure.
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I know it still feels like crap, even if I say that.
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[Rhys confesses, after a moment.]
I knew he liked me, but I was-- stupid, knock out, crazy about him. And he just liked me. And it sucked. Trying to talk myself into being okay with being the one in a relationship who likes the other guy too much. Trying to get ready for the fact that he had plans for a future that I wasn't going to be in. Trying to keep my own plans straight.
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[he stirs, rolling over to his side]
She just summons me out of the fucking blue to get drunk and tell me she's been here a whole year. Do you know how long I've been trapped in hell, or invisible? And she looks at me like it's my fault.
Holy shit, I'm sorry if the Big Guy upstairs isn't pairing her with the right kinda inmate she can love and snuggle with and doesn't get skeezed out about holding. I'm trying to get out of here too. Maybe her plan is to make me so fucking miserable I'll graduate just to get away from her.
Kinda wishing she had just lied to me.
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[Rhys asks, sincerely not quite following.]
Hey, talk me through this, Betelgeuse: Do you not believe that Hange even likes you?
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I think I'm also an idiot to think she could ever love me.
Jesus, Stringbean. She...
[he sighs, trying to come up with the words]
She knows about me, about how that word affects me. She knows how much I love her, how I'd do anything for her. We weren't even talking about anything serious and then everything fell apart.
Guess I wasn't expecting it to hurt that much, is the thing.
Saw the message she left, apologizing not for wrecking my heart but for some weird shit her face-twin got up to. Then wants to party. I'm still reeling from helping to save Rosie and Jasper telling me she hates me and you and your Stringbean adorableness getting through our first fight and she just wants to summon me like nothing's wrong.
I could have killed her.
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She doesn't just like you because you're funny.
[Said softly, but it's firm. No arguments on this one.]
Betelgeuse-- I'm saying this as a guy who adores you: You get mad at people for breaking rules that they don't know about, and that they don't control. She doesn't get to choose whether or not she loves you, all she can choose is how much she does for you, which is everything she can, same as you would for her. That's why you love her so much, right?
[He gives the other man's arm a squeeze.]
And I know it hurts, because you really need to know you matter to people. But she can't control how you feel any more than she can force herself to love you.
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I know.
I saw Rosie and Ford together, and they were hugging and so goddamn happy and I wanted that.
And I know it ain't gonna happen and it just makes me feel like shit. Hollow. Hollow shit.
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[Rhys says, softly.]
The thing with Elijah-- I brought it up because I think they might be kinda similar. Him and Hange. You're like-- okay, imagine that you're a record player, and your max volume is ten, and when you're turned up to ten, it's so loud that the windows are shaking. Well, maybe with Hange, when she's turned up to ten, okay, she's loud, but the windows aren't shaking, so you're wondering why she can't turn it up as high as you, or wondering if there's something that you've done wrong, or thinking that she must want somebody else better, when really--
Her ten is just in a different place to yours.
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I just have higher highs, lower lows. Nothing we do is gonna change that, I get it.
I don't know how I'm going to go back to working with her after this.
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[He tugs the demon back in close.]
Maybe you should write some of this down? I think she'd get it-- if you could explain how it feels like you did to me. But if you say it out loud to her and you're still feeling raw about it, it'll probably be harder not to get mad again.
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Sure. Only problem with that is that I can't spell great. You've seen how I am with my own name.
And I guess I'm kinda worried she'll yell at me.
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[Rhys suggests, gently, letting Betelgeuse snuggle in.]
Why do you think she'd yell at you? Do you think you upset her?
[It's a gentle question, but a slightly prying one. It's probably good for Betelgeuse to think about how Hange might feel about this...]
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[he almost - almost - goes to say her hometown. But he stops. Remembers that Hange threatened him if he told anyone, even Rhys. And sighs]
Stupid shit. Things like I couldn't even know about, living shit. I get jealous.
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[Stroking the back of Betelgeuse's head, then gently rubbing little lines down his back.]
I think-- if I was her, I'd probably be upset that you thought you weren't important to me because I couldn't say the L word.
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I'm important to her because I'm her ticket off this boat. She keeps me happy and focused, she gets her deal.
If it's only a word, why can't she say it?
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If all she cared about was keeping you happy so she could get her deal, why wouldn't she have lied to you?
[He holds out a hand, trying to coax Betelgeuse back into his arms.]
Because she needs her friendship with you to be real. Not-- a story she's telling you to make you behave yourself. She's probably just as sad as you are that it isn't enough.
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That might be, but she's not sad. She's fucking irritated because I'm making a thing about this and throwing a tantrum.
And why the fuck shouldn't I? I have been on my best behavior, relatively speaking, since I got here. I wanna graduate just as bad. I love my warden. She doesn't love me. Probably never will, no matter what I do or how hard I try.
Just - Fuck - can I just be sad about this? Mourn the loss of something I wanted and can't ever get? I get it, I adored her, I was an idiot, and it blinded me to her real feelings, ah-gain.
Like I just wanted the story to end differently, for once.
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[Rhys pulls Betelgeuse's hand forward then, if he can't get the rest of him. He brings the other man's knuckles to his lips.]
But you don't get to burn the relationship that you have with her because it isn't the one you want it to be.
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Yeah. Fuck...
Hey, can you say that again to me?
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[He strokes Betelgeuse's cheek with his thumb, slow and approving.]
You're so, so great, and I love you to bits. Lots of people do.
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I love you too. I love you so much, Stringbean, it's ridiculous.
...shit, okay, that reminds me. There's a new inmate in town and he's really really cute. I think he might be into me?
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