IC Inbox

[beejfu]

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[beejfu]

He's incredible. I'm so happy.

[corkscrewed]

I feel like that can only mean he causes ungodly amounts of trouble.

[beejfu]

Please. He causes GODLY amounts of trouble.

[corkscrewed]

How's the rehabilitation going?

[beejfu]

Well, I finally found his file!

...Technically Lyds found it. After. Two months of being paired.

[corkscrewed]

Sounds like it's going well.

[ flatly- ]

You're actually better at wardening than I am. I... am not sure how to feel about that. [ no offense... ]

[beejfu]

What, seriously? No I'm not.

[corkscrewed]

I've never had a permanent inmate.

[beejfu]

So?

Find someone you love and attach yourself to the hip. Easy!

We should go through the available inmates and find an amazing one for you.

[corkscrewed]

[ martin actually laughs out loud. ]

Oh, my god. Like Grindr for inmates.

[beejfu]

[he grins happily, pleased that he got Martin to laugh]

Exactly!

So come on. Open your comm and we'll take a look!

[corkscrewed]

That feels, uh. Invasive.

[ but he's pulling out his phone. ]

[beejfu]

[Betelgeuse pokes through the register, scrolling]

Okay. Okay. We need to figure out your type. Who's your ideal inmate, M-Dog?Quiet, loud, sexy, sulky, violent?

[corkscrewed]

Er - less so on violent. I don't really have a way of dealing with that.

[beejfu]

Got it. You skew young, old, male, or female?

[corkscrewed]

No preference there, honestly. Just someone I can help.

[beejfu]

Gotcha. Sweet, you're not picky. You want somebody that's talkative or one who's reclusive?

[corkscrewed]

Um - talkative?

[ he sounds unsure. ]

[beejfu]

Chatty Cathies. Got it.

SO. I've narrowed it down to three.

One is non-violent as they come but hella stubborn and you could be here for-EVER.

One is sweet as hell but may try to bone you.

One is sarcastic as shit and might be stand-offish.

[corkscrewed]

I'm not really worried about someone trying to, uh, bone me. [ he's very comfortable in his relationship!!! ]

[beejfu]

Then I think Antivirus is your best bet. He's a sweetheart. Has some shit relationships in the past and tends to be self-destructive but he won't kill you or your family.

[corkscrewed]

--there's someone here named Antivirus?

[beejfu]

There's someone here I CALL Antivirus, just like I call you Hushpuppy.

His real name's Norton.

[corkscrewed]

What's with the nickname?

[beejfu]

It's a my-universe joke, forget it.