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[ martin laughs a little, just because it feels like it's rare to be the one to get one up on beetlejuice, but he'll follow closely behind. ]
How long have you had her?
How long have you had her?
[ 'worringly' is absolutely correct, but martin is close behind. ]
How old are you, anyway?
How old are you, anyway?
[He looks at the communicator.
He looks at Betelgeuse's lack of pants.
He hears Rhys over the speakerphone.
....]
Are you having phone sex in my living room!?
He looks at Betelgeuse's lack of pants.
He hears Rhys over the speakerphone.
....]
Are you having phone sex in my living room!?
No idea. Mom wouldn't tell me.
[He starts tapping at the walls, listening before moving onto the next stall until he hears a more muffled noise and a hiss.]
Okay. Okay, she's right in through here. Martini, she's gonna come out from the pipe in the toilet. We used to do this gag where whenever a breather would sit down to take a dump, she'd come up from behind and bite. Hilarious, but it makes luring her out of hiding a massive bitch. You think you can grab her with a plunger?
[He starts tapping at the walls, listening before moving onto the next stall until he hears a more muffled noise and a hiss.]
Okay. Okay, she's right in through here. Martini, she's gonna come out from the pipe in the toilet. We used to do this gag where whenever a breather would sit down to take a dump, she'd come up from behind and bite. Hilarious, but it makes luring her out of hiding a massive bitch. You think you can grab her with a plunger?
I can definitely try.
[ but the color starts draining from him the moment they have an actionable plan in place. snakes are fine, but he hates worms, especially the kind that lunge and bite. he'll grab the plunger and try not to act like he's shaken by this stupid scenario. ]
I won't hurt her. [ on purpose ]
[ but the color starts draining from him the moment they have an actionable plan in place. snakes are fine, but he hates worms, especially the kind that lunge and bite. he'll grab the plunger and try not to act like he's shaken by this stupid scenario. ]
I won't hurt her. [ on purpose ]
[Oh no.
Oh no don't laugh.
Rhys CLEARS HIS THROAT OVER THE COMMUNICATOR:]
So anyway we were thinking maybe tomorrow night? For dinner?
[THAT'S ALL THIS WAS, JUST INNOCENT DINNER PLANS BEING MADE.]
Oh no don't laugh.
Rhys CLEARS HIS THROAT OVER THE COMMUNICATOR:]
So anyway we were thinking maybe tomorrow night? For dinner?
[THAT'S ALL THIS WAS, JUST INNOCENT DINNER PLANS BEING MADE.]
[A fourth voice can be heard, speaking loudly enough from a cracked-open door that Rhys' communicator will pick it up:]
Dinner, Ford. Neither of us can see what our invitee is or is not wearing.
Dinner, Ford. Neither of us can see what our invitee is or is not wearing.
[BJ sputters, standing up to address Ford, draped in the finest of duvets now to cover his bottom nakedness]
I wasn't! Phone sex is where you insert the phone into you! Everyone knows that, and as you can see I-
[he pauses at hearing a fourth voice on the line and demands, scandalized]
Rhys, were you jacking it with your boyfriend while we were having phone sex?!
I wasn't! Phone sex is where you insert the phone into you! Everyone knows that, and as you can see I-
[he pauses at hearing a fourth voice on the line and demands, scandalized]
Rhys, were you jacking it with your boyfriend while we were having phone sex?!
Okay. I'mma sit and pretend I'm dead on the other side. She may not fall for it so close your eyes if you're squeamish.
[Good thing his warden thought to ask for BJ's healing abilities back because he starts to bite at his pinky finger until it manages to pop right off. using the bloody finger, he traces around the toilet bowl and leading it all the way up to the sinks on the other side.
Where he drops, eerily like a rag doll, onto the bathroom floor.]
[Good thing his warden thought to ask for BJ's healing abilities back because he starts to bite at his pinky finger until it manages to pop right off. using the bloody finger, he traces around the toilet bowl and leading it all the way up to the sinks on the other side.
Where he drops, eerily like a rag doll, onto the bathroom floor.]
Christ-
[ he spits that out before he means to, distracted from the thought of worm by dismembered pinky. ]
Warn me first next time, would you?
[ and then, feeling vaguely like a complete idiot, he'll wield the plunger and wait for the snake. ]
[ he spits that out before he means to, distracted from the thought of worm by dismembered pinky. ]
Warn me first next time, would you?
[ and then, feeling vaguely like a complete idiot, he'll wield the plunger and wait for the snake. ]
[no response!!! he is playing dead!. And shockingly good at it, go figure.
It doesn't take long.
Lured out by the smell of fresh blood and old corpse, there's a slither motion inside the toilet bowl. The sandworm curls herself up at the bottom, before rearing up and snapping at air.
Oh, okay. Body landed over there. Cool, cool.
She snaps both heads shut, starting to slither her way over to the dead man on the bathroom floor]
It doesn't take long.
Lured out by the smell of fresh blood and old corpse, there's a slither motion inside the toilet bowl. The sandworm curls herself up at the bottom, before rearing up and snapping at air.
Oh, okay. Body landed over there. Cool, cool.
She snaps both heads shut, starting to slither her way over to the dead man on the bathroom floor]
[ oh, well, he fucking hates this.
martin stands there for a moment, completely paralyzed, before he jumps forward and tries to pin the worm down with the plunger without, you know, squishing her. ]
Oh my god.
[ why did he agree to playing with this ]
martin stands there for a moment, completely paralyzed, before he jumps forward and tries to pin the worm down with the plunger without, you know, squishing her. ]
Oh my god.
[ why did he agree to playing with this ]
[Is that Elijah?
Oh boy. Alright, well, Rhys is Elijah's problem.]
If you're going to have phone sex, do it somewhere besides my house! Take it to an empty cabin, there's plenty of those.
[--and, because he knows by now that Betelgeuse is the most sensitive and anxious murderdemon he's ever met, Ford is very clear here:]
You can come back when you're done.
Oh boy. Alright, well, Rhys is Elijah's problem.]
If you're going to have phone sex, do it somewhere besides my house! Take it to an empty cabin, there's plenty of those.
[--and, because he knows by now that Betelgeuse is the most sensitive and anxious murderdemon he's ever met, Ford is very clear here:]
You can come back when you're done.
[Okay Rhys is laughing now. Helplessly entertained by Betelgeuse's definition of phone sex. He becomes serious again when he's accused of illicit boyfriend jerking off.]
I was not! He didn't know what was going on until Ford started yelling at us!
[Rude of you Ford. Yelling at Rhys. Distracting Elijah from his work in the adjoining room.]
I was not! He didn't know what was going on until Ford started yelling at us!
[Rude of you Ford. Yelling at Rhys. Distracting Elijah from his work in the adjoining room.]
[Sandy is being attacked! Oh my gosh!! The audacity of this living creature!
She squirms, half pinned, and starts to try and snap at the hand holding the plunger, teeth flashing as she squrims, going from coiled to striking! And! back! again!
why isn't this working oh right she's only the width of a few feet and is not used to this garbage of being small]
She squirms, half pinned, and starts to try and snap at the hand holding the plunger, teeth flashing as she squrims, going from coiled to striking! And! back! again!
why isn't this working oh right she's only the width of a few feet and is not used to this garbage of being small]
Beetlejuice please tell me you are not actually dead and able to help me with your pet --
[ he's flinching every time she snaps. ]
[ he's flinching every time she snaps. ]
[ HAHA HE IS SHAKEN ]
Yeah, um - great! Thanks.
[ he is still white-knuckled on that plunger handle ]
Yeah, um - great! Thanks.
[ he is still white-knuckled on that plunger handle ]
Sorry. Uh. Just- a thing, you know.
[ he'll drop the plunger belatedly. ]
[ he'll drop the plunger belatedly. ]
Big ones. I like big snakes.
[ he's a little 0_0 right now ]
She's going to bite me.
[ he's a little 0_0 right now ]
She's going to bite me.
Me too. She used to be like thirty feet long but when she died, Hange and the Admiral made me shrink her.
[He draws his arms back protectively over Sandy]
That's why she's got such attitude now. How would you feel if you were suddenly a tenth your size?
[He draws his arms back protectively over Sandy]
That's why she's got such attitude now. How would you feel if you were suddenly a tenth your size?
Sorry. I'm not trying to hurt her feelings-
[ he can't believe he's in a bathroom literally talking about bj's snake. ]
Maybe we could go sit somewhere? Not here.
[ he can't believe he's in a bathroom literally talking about bj's snake. ]
Maybe we could go sit somewhere? Not here.
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